I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
BRING THE BAGELS
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
