She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Someone signed my nipple.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
