I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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