sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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