i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
