Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
