Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
