Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
