Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
