SEEEEXXX PLEASE
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
