You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
