Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
