Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
