im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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