cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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