Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
BRING THE BAGELS
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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