Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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