I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
