My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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