Someone shit on the floor
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
