just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Mom said you looked used
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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