Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
