first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
