FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
