every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I FOUND THE LEGS
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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