I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
