I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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