she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
