You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
