I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
