just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
