Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
