i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Drake has all the answers
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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