I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
