I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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