forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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