if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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