I like to think it a success when the cops are called
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Randomize
