I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
