i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
