Yo dont text me then not text me
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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