I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
