oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
