Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
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