Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He better not be in your backpack
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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