Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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