i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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