Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
