As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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