Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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