Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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