Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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