barbara walters just said penis...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
