i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
