Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
my phone needs a breathalizer
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
